“How can I help?”. This is a question those of us in MH & A recovery hear ALL the time. And it’s one of those things where you just know it’s coming from the most heartfelt of places and with the best of intentions, yet it’s triggering in its own strange way. There is a sort of mental cloud that can hover when you’re in the middle of an episode. It can fuzzy how you see things or view things, and that can make it hard to make sound and positively impactful choices. Ever hear the expression “less is more”? It plays out perfectly in situations like these.
For someone whose struggling, even internally asked questions can be hard to answer. “What do I want to eat?”, “should I get up?” – these types of questions can feel HUGE when you’re in a rough patch. They pose an immense amount of pressure to an already tired and weary mind. When someone else asks something of us, even if well intentioned, it can feel even bigger. “What can I do to help you?”. A positive trigger. Positive because it shows that person cares for us and wants to help. It shows they are willing to be invested in what will make us a healthier human. Triggering because it asks the mind to produce an answer it might not be ready to produce. It was always difficult for me to hear and it’s something I still feel unsure answering. I would also feel incredibly uncomfortable when people would ask me how I was doing, and this is where communication breakdowns can start between mental health patients and their supporters.
My personal slant came from my OCD. I would hear “how are you?” or “are you doing ok?” and that for me would trigger things immediately. My mind was bombarded with “why are they asking me?”, “do they think something is wrong?” and “if they are asking, they must think I’m not alright, therefore I’m not alright otherwise they wouldn’t ask!” and it often took a long time to come down from that elevation. It also might trigger some to comply by just saying “I’m fine” as to not draw attention or burden others. Talk about navigating choppy waters. It begs a question: how do you show support? How can you tell someone that you’ll comfort, show up, talk, listen, support, be present, be engaged? It’s a big order that I’ve found can be filled with two little worlds.
“I’m here”. One contraction and one verb. Two words saying an almost infinite combination of things. For me, this let me hear what I uniquely needed to hear in each varying moment during my recovery. Every time I heard it, it signaled intent in the most balanced and prolific way. It meant someone was there if I needed someone to listen or to talk to. It meant someone was there if I needed both space and someone to return to when that space needed closing. It meant knowing that while not being necessarily being heard or seen in the moment, someone was there. It gives the option of variable support and allows the person in recovery to utilize that support in a way that serves them, when it serves them.
The sentiment can be met with whatever words or phrase feels right; and it can be met with nothing more than a look or nod. It might be met with nothing at all. And these are all valid responses. Hearing the words can sometimes be just enough. It doesn’t ask a question that needs an answer to be or feel validated. It’s a beacon of light pouring out onto that choppy water, guiding you in a way that feels right. And as much as it’s comforting for patients, it can be just as comforting for those in their corners as well. We all want to know how to help, but sometimes it can be difficult to know where to start. Letting someone know you’re there for them sets the stage for communication to come, and if nothing else, it provides a valuable opportunity for connection.
It’s important to understand too, from a carer’s perspective, that silence isn’t always a “no”, but more of a “not right now”. It takes time, even with loved ones, to get to that place of total comfort and vulnerability where you can truly be open. If someone is going to open up, it will be at their own pace. Healing can’t be rushed.
The important thing is letting people know that whenever they are ready, so are you. Two little words with the power to move some very big mountains.
Yours,
The girl in green